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Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago.
In it, you told me to go fuck myself.
I still remember that night.
I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully.
I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel.

Two months ago I called you at three A.M.
I expected you to ignore it, or to send me to voicemail;
those were two of the things you were best at.
You answered and I felt my heart begin to race;
you probably thought it was because I missed you,
but truthfully it was because I didn’t expect you to answer,
and because I really had to pee.
I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused.
It was like you forgot that I existed and that I was once a part of your life.
You told me “fine” and I smiled.
That was the last conversation we had.
I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way.

Fast forward two months, and I still wonder how you are.
I still wonder how your dog is and if you’ve seen any good movies lately.
If you ever heard me say this, you’d probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet.
You’d probably think I think these things because I still love you, that I still want you.
But that is not the case.
You see, six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please you.
To make sure that you were happy before myself.
To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now.
And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to.
A person I told secrets to at 4am and fucked to feel a sense of closeness.
A person I loved, yes.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now, and now I miss you.
I miss the way you called randomly just to ask how my day was.
I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn’t.
I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories.
And maybe one day things will be different.
Maybe you’ll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask how my day was.
These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep.
But for right now?
Go fuck yourself.

Lord, give me guidance.

I’m so lost. I can’t say I don’t know what to do in my situation because I do know what to do. I just don’t know how to do it. I keep pleasing the people I shouldnt be pleasing. I need to please myself and love myself before I can do anything. Why is this so hard for me to do? Why can’t I have the strength to do what I should do? Please help me, lord. I’m lost without you. I really need the strength and you’re help to get me to where I should be. If I constantly keep doing what I’m doing, I’ll never be able to move forward and lose the ones that are important to me. I need you. There’s no one else I need more than You. I need to take a stand. I need to stop being a push over. I need to be strong. This is killing me.

I just want you…

After us constantly having these heart-to-heart conversations. I don’t want anyone else. I just want to be happy with you. You would never do anything to hurt me and I’m so thankful I can trust you. I don’t need anyone else. Why can’t I just be happy with you? Why does this have to be so complicated? I just want you.

Missing you more times infinity.

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